My Lavendar Marriage

For most of my life, there have been things about my inner, emotional world that didn’t make sense to me. I had some experiences and memories I could not explain. Recently, I’ve gotten clarity on a few of these. They involve teenage Jehovah’s Witness girls being groomed by older men. I was fortunate to not […]

Jehovah’s Witnesses are a high control religion, commonly referred to as a cult by experts. One of the areas that the cult exerts undue influence is in the area of sexuality. Indeed, the Jehovah’s Witness cult harms its members’ sexual development and their sex lives. The ways in which the Jehovah’s Witnesses are harmed sexually […]

In recent weeks, I’ve been thinking a lot about how my sexuality was harmed by my ex-husbands. I allowed their abuse or dysfunction to inform my thoughts about myself in this area. Their behaviors gave me confusion and insecurity around my sexuality. And thankfully, that’s changing fast now that I’m in a new relationship. Allow […]

This blog is about my experience being married to a closeted gay man who came out to me, which led me to file for divorce. “Lavender marriage” isn’t uncommon among people raised in a high control religion. My husband and I were both raised as Jehovah’s Witnesses. I’ve learned that much of what I believed […]

I wasn’t in love with him. At least, not long after we married. I stayed because I didn’t want to hurt our children. When it became obvious to me that my soon to be ex husband couldn’t have a normal sexual relationship with me, I began to suspect that he was gay. I’m not homophobic, […]

I wouldn’t describe my current emotion as depressed, or even sad. Perhaps resignation is the right word. While I didn’t choose this outcome, or necessarily want it, in the end it’s for the best. When my husband came out to me as gay after 13 years of marriage, I wasn’t exactly shocked. I felt intense […]

My angry feelings are beginning to dissipate. They’re being replaced by sadness. I’m not sad because I miss my husband. I don’t. He didn’t break my heart. I haven’t had feelings of attraction for him for years. I did in the beginning, but they faded when it became obvious that he was unable to have […]

Today I logged into Facebook and found that I had been removed from my husband’s family messenger chats. This seemed senseless and felt hurtful to me. Especially since I had written a nice message to my husband’s siblings. It read as follows: Hi guys I know this is odd getting a message from me, but […]

My husband is becoming unhinged. He’s someone I barely recognize. His emails and texts to me are getting increasingly nasty. One moment, pouring out his heart about how he always loved me, the next moment spewing hate. It’s Jekyll/Hyde behavior. This behavior lends credence to his ex-wife’s claims that he became toxic to her after […]

Instead of enjoying unpacking and getting settled into my new home, I’ve been dealing with fears about finances, changes in my family dynamic, and helping children cope with their emotions. Thursday I walked into my house and saw my 3 youngest children sobbing while my mother held them. She was crying too. Apparently my husband […]