And now, sadness

My angry feelings are beginning to dissipate. They’re being replaced by sadness.

Photo by Paola Chaaya on Unsplash

I’m not sad because I miss my husband. I don’t. He didn’t break my heart. I haven’t had feelings of attraction for him for years. I did in the beginning, but they faded when it became obvious that he was unable to have a healthy sex life with a heterosexual woman.

I’m sad because I don’t want my life to change. I don’t know how I’m going to handle homeschooling my children, paying all the bills, and taking care of all my other responsibilities (which include being chauffeur to two teenagers).

I’m exhausted. I get up early, get ready for the day, do some administrative and household management tasks. I drive my daughter to work. The round-trip takes nearly an hour. I make breakfast, do laundry, clean. I spend the next few hours working with my homeschooled elementary school kids.

Then I pick up my daughter from work. And I’m exhausted. All the Coke Zero in the world isn’t helping lift my fatigue. I collapse into my bed or the couch at 7 pm and watch the minutes tick past until it’s socially acceptable to go to bed.

I like my life. The problems in my marriage notwithstanding, I was content. I loved my life as it was. I was willing to live without sex. I was focused on the positive things about my (gay) husband.

But now everything is different. My friend is now (at least in his eyes) an enemy. That’s exhausting. I’m applying for entry-level positions that pay shit. How am I going to be able to be a good mom, to take care of house and kids and all their needs, and hold down a job?

I didn’t ask for this.

My kids are the loves of my life. I was content to not have what some have found: a great love that I could tell my grandkids about. The kind my parents have. The kind my sister and brother-in-law have.

I was ok with it.

I’m not ok with it anymore.

That too makes me sad. I have no idea how to date. I forgot how to flirt. I don’t want a committed relationship. But I do love male companionship. I love men. I’ve never gone very long without one in my life. And I’m sad that I’m older, saggier, grey-haired.

It’s so unfair.

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