Today the angry feelings resurfaced. It took me by surprise. The day had been pleasant so far. Then we drove to Home Depot to purchase some things we needed for our new house.
When we drove out of the parking lot, we passed a gay couple walking into the store. One of the men was tall, and bearded… like my husband. I immediately began to shake with rage. I didn’t say a word. My children were in the car. My husband tried to take my hand. I allowed him to.
When we got home, I shot out of the car alone and began walking hurriedly around my neighborhood. I wanted my angry feelings to subside before I exploded.
I’m not angry because my husband is gay. I’m angry at how EASILY he will be able to find a companion. A lover. He could drive a few miles to a bar and pick up a man that same evening.
No matter what he looks like. No matter if his appearance is considered conventionally handsome. No matter if he’s fit or not. It doesn’t matter.
Not me.
Our culture is not kind to middle aged women. Especially those with children. It will be extraordinarily difficult for me to find companionship. My physical safety, and that of my children, will be at risk.
This is the reality of the situation. And it’s fucking unfair. And I am so angry I want to tear something up. I want to bash in a window. To rip things with my hands. To run miles across a beach until i collapse, exhausted, with pain slicing my lungs like knives. I want to cut myself and watch the drops of blood fall, so my outsides match my insides.
I already know what’s going to happen.
My husband is going to start losing weight. He’s going to put more effort into his appearance. He’s going to dress better. He’ll pay more attention. And he will begin signaling. And it will only be a matter of time.
And I’m not a sadist. I don’t hate my husband. I don’t want him to live out his life without experiencing sexual fulfillment. I’m just so ANGRY that my marriage has been a sham. I’m angry that things will be FAR easier for him than they will be for me, in every way measurable.
Easier for him to maintain financial equilibrium. Easier for him to have free time and access to potential companions. A large pool of available partners to choose from. The money to pursue dating. The time freedom.
I am SO ANGRY.