My angry feelings surfaced today. Underneath them is fear. Fear of being financially vulnerable if my marriage ends. Fear of my life changing in ways I don’t want.

Today I told my husband, who recently came out to me as gay, that he had been gaslighting me for years. I would come to him with a concern about his behavior, or my feelings about the relationship, and would be met with anger or denial.

I’m angry at the inherent unfairness of entering a marriage based on falsehood. I’m angry that I had 3 children with a man whose body couldn’t respond normally to my sexual touch. Angry at the blow to my self esteem his sexual dysfunction gave me.

Angry that I’ve missed out on sexual fulfillment and 13 years of my life that could have been spent with someone else.

My husband told me years ago, before he came out as gay, that he had “ruined my life“. At the time, I thought he was exaggerating, that this statement was coming from his own damaged self-image and sadness.

Now I know he had these thoughts about his homosexuality years before admitting it to me. He had guilt, which I sensed, due to this betrayal. As far as I know, he has never been unfaithful to me. But, I still sensed that he was not honest with me. I just didn’t know what to attribute those feelings to.

I’m angry that he didn’t trust me enough to tell me the truth. That he made three babies with me, while the true nature of his sexuality was a ticking time bomb.

I’m angry that my husband will be able to quickly, easily find lovers. As a middle-aged gay man, he will have plenty of men to choose from. He will have more freedom, money, and time to pursue relationships.

As a middle-aged woman with kids, things will be far more difficult for me. How will I find the time when I’m a stay at home, homeschooling mom? How do I find companionship without putting my safety and that of my children at risk? Who pays for my dates? I’ll have to deal with birth control all over again. The dating pool is so slim for a woman my age. It’s so unfair. I want to scream.