In the end, this is best

I wouldn’t describe my current emotion as depressed, or even sad. Perhaps resignation is the right word. While I didn’t choose this outcome, or necessarily want it, in the end it’s for the best.

When my husband came out to me as gay after 13 years of marriage, I wasn’t exactly shocked. I felt intense anger at first, because I’d been deceived and gaslit. But in the end, I’ll end up better off. I’m sure of this.

There were many red flags in my marriage. Firstly, I had a vague sense all the time that my husband was hiding something. I couldn’t catch him in a lie, and since I’m a trusting person (at worst, a little too trusting), I didn’t go around digging. I never searched his phone or wallet or vehicle. It’s just not in my nature. I don’t do that to my teenagers either!

Photo by Taras Chernus on Unsplash

But, I had a strong intuitive sense that something was just… off. In retrospect, it makes perfect sense. I was obviously picking up on his deceit. Why exactly he chose to live a lie and marry me knowing his sexual preference is a bit of a mystery.

Wouldn’t it have made more sense for him to not get married? We were both raised in a high-control religion that forbids homosexuality. I totally understand the pain of living with that burden. But why pursue marriage while still in that religion? Why drag me and my kids into it?

I feel as if I wasted 13 years of my life. That’s where some of the anger and resentment comes from.

But ultimately, these feelings will pass.

I fell out of love with my ex-husband very shortly after we married. He changed quickly once he sealed the deal. While we were dating he was pretty aggressive in his pursuit of me. There was no question as to his feelings. He wasn’t passive in the least.

That changed immediately once we were married, which was disappointing for me. I wasn’t attracted to passive men. It was confusing. Then the sexual problems intensified. He simply couldn’t keep up with me. As a newlywed, I had certain expectations. I wanted a lot of sex, and I was giving and open sexually. His body just couldn’t keep up.

When the sex is broken in a marriage, you start noticing other annoying things about your partner that you would have overlooked. Sex is the lubrication that keeps things moving without friction.

It’s exhausting thinking about dating again at my age, with so much responsibility, on top of the changing dynamics of my life. Learning a new job, being a single parent again, it’s a lot.

But I have confidence that a year from now, I’ll be happy. If the last year has taught me anything, it’s that one’s life can become almost unrecognizable in a short period of time.

The only constant is change.

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