I’ve suspected all along that my husband is gay

My husband came out to me as gay two days ago. But I’ve suspected all along. I always had this vague sense that he was being dishonest with me. I never caught him in a significant lie. But I intuitively sensed that there was something he was holding back from me.

He would hide little things from me that made no sense. As an example, after the James Bond Spectre movie came out, our kids told me he would listen to the song Writing on the Wall by Sam Smith every time he took them for a ride in the car (without me).

I had never heard the song. And it it came on the radio while I was in the car, the kids would say “that’s daddy’s favorite song”. It seemed odd that he seemed to be going out of his way to avoid listening to the song when I was around.

I questioned him on this and he (of course – gaslighting me) denied this odd behavior and became angry at me for “making a big deal out of this”. I wasn’t making a big deal out of it – I merely pointed out how odd it was and asked him why, if the song was so dear to him, he didn’t play it for me and instead seemed embarrassed by it. It just didn’t make sense.

Looking back, I wonder if the lyrics of the song had special significance for him. Or perhaps he had an attraction for Sam Smith that he couldn’t admit.

I’ve been here before
But always hit the floor
I’ve spent a lifetime running
And I always get away
But with you I’m feeling something
That makes me want to stay

I’m prepared for this
I never shoot to miss
But I feel like a storm is coming
If I’m gonna make it through the day
Then there’s no more use in running
This is something I gotta face

If I risk it all
Could you break my fall?
How do I live? How do I breathe?
When you’re not here, I’m suffocating
I want to feel love run through my blood
Tell me, is this where I give it all up?
For you I have to risk it all
‘Cause the writing’s on the wall

Does this song reflect the longing my husband had to experience true love with a man? He claims he’s attracted to me sexually and wants to have a fulfilling sexual connection with me.

But his body says otherwise.

Photo by Nik Shuliahin on Unsplash

The biggest reason I suspected my husband was gay is because he has always experienced erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation, both with me and his first wife (who left him for her high school sweetheart). This seemed unusual to me, since he was only in his early 30’s when we married. He was healthy, fit, not overweight, with no health conditions that would cause this issue.

I wondered if there was something about me that wasn’t desirable to him. I should have listened to my intuition more back then, but I didn’t want to cause him more anguish and embarrassment than he was already experiencing.

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