Last night my husband came out as gay. We’ve been married for almost 13 years. We have 3 children together. This is the beginning of my story.

I’m in shock. Not because I’m surprised by my husband’s admission that he’s gay. I’ve suspected it for years.

It’s shocking the way someone who watches a building collapse feels shock. The way someone who witnesses a violent crime; slow motion, life flashing in front one their eyes.

Did this just happen? I’m exhausted from our late night conversation.

I’m relieved that everything makes sense now. My intuition has proven correct. These intense feelings of frustration and loneliness weren’t me being maudlin. They were rational. My strong sense that you were being dishonest with me in some way. Some way I couldn’t identify.

I’m angry that the last 13 years have been a lie.

I’m proud of your courage. I’m protective. I’m sad at your pain and empathetic of your struggle.

But mostly, I’m terrified for my life to change.

What’s next? Do we stay together and try to make it work? Do we live as warm, friendly (loving) roommates and co-parents? Do we decide upon an arrangement to get our needs met? And how will that work? If I’m ok with it now, will it be impossible once you fall in love with a man?

Now that you’ve given voice to your true feelings, I know they’ll only grow stronger. It will be impossible for you to ignore them any longer. And I wouldn’t want you to. For either of us.

How will I support a family as a single mom after being out of the workforce so long?

I’m terrified. I’ll have to put our homeschooled kids in school. Who am I if I’m not a homeschooling, stay at home mom? I don’t want this. I’m angry with you for not being honest with yourself and the world about who you are.

But I also don’t want you to suffer. I want you to have a happy, fulfilled sexual life. I want you to experience what I have with wonderful, passionate sexual experiences. You deserve to have someone who can’t keep their hands off you. So do I.